


Don't Think About It

by Lili314



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorder, Stream of Consciousness, thought process
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-26 10:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17140403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lili314/pseuds/Lili314
Summary: An account of the voice of no reason: an eating disorder.  Please don't read this if you are at a point where it will be overtly upsetting.





	Don't Think About It

Don’t Think About It

"Don't think about it," she heard in the back of her head, "Just don't think about it!"

The same nagging voice had been resting at the back of her mind for quite some time. For many years, she had fought to tuck it away, ignoring the words it whispered to her. In the dark of night, she would turn on music, blaring loudly, so that she did not have to listen. In the light of day, she would force herself to focus on anything else, no matter what.

When it first began, she was light-headed and dizzy from hunger. The only thing she wanted was to eat something to settle her empty stomach. She heard what seemed to be a whisper in a crowded room; it seemed to tell her to stop thinking about food.

"Don't think about it," the smooth voice instructed. She shook her head gently, looking around to find who had spoken. There was no one near enough to speak to her.

Her world had been caving in around her, the only support she knew had suddenly been stolen away. Any sense of control she had known in ages past vanished. There was no way to manage her schedule, as her mother handled it with obsessive care. Her clothes, even, were controlled by an older sister. Between the efforts of her older sister and her mother, the girl's life was overly controlled in all but one aspect. She struggled to maintain a grasp on the control, since it was a tricky act to uphold. The only control she found as her own was that of what she ate.

The voice in the back of her mind grew louder than a faint whisper, eventually. As it grew louder, it also grew more forceful. She heard suggestions that she refuse to eat. If she did not consume anything, then her family would notice that she was upset. If she stopped eating, they would notice her; even if it meant losing what little weight she had, her family would finally look at her. She needed to stop eating nearly as much as she had been, since gaining ten pounds in a year is too much. Ignore the fact that she was, still, only fifty-five pounds on a heavy day. If she would only stop eating so much, maybe someone would start to notice her, maybe someone would manage to see the pain she felt.

She gave in to the suggestions of the voice. Convincing herself, with the imagination of an eleven-year-old mind, that what she heard was for the better, she agreed. She did not eat, did not think about it. Only when it hurt for her to move, or when she found herself surrounded by her family at meal time would she allow herself to eat much more than a few bites of something small.

Once, eating had been a simple social thing. Her extended family always spent time together around the table. Eating was once enjoyable, a time when you heard the best stories from everyone you loved. Soon after agreeing to the nagging at the back of her mind, eating became a chore. Then, from a chore, it became an evil necessity. After a mere necessity, it became a means of survival; she would only eat when the threat of passing out became too prevalent. Even after that point, eating grew to be painful. While her body craved food, substance and nutrients, her mind fought to keep her from ever sitting down long enough to realize what she needed.

Eventually, she could not eat without her body responding with physical pain.  
When she had listened to the nagging in the back of her head for multiple years, no one seemed to notice. By then, she no longer cared. By that point, she was accustomed to the aching in the pit of her belly, the constant fatigue she felt. She was used to the inability to do anything worth energy. She was no longer used to even smelling food as it was prepared without feeling the need to vomit.

When multiple years had passed, and she knew that no one noticed, she began to feel fear. When she was forced to sit down with her family for a Christmas supper, still, no one seemed to notice when her plate had only a few bites of food spread across it. As everyone was merry and cheerful, she slumped in her seat, afraid to move too quickly, lest she start seeing stars and fall to the floor. She felt her mind losing focus, body beginning to tingle. Her heartbeat began to quicken, past the point of 'a little fast' to the pace where she could not breathe.

Again, as in any past time when she struggled to even breathe, the nagging began loudly, "Don't think about it."

Unlike any time before, she realized that she could stop the obnoxious, destructive suggestions. Shutting down her mind, she stumbled toward the spread of food. For the rest of that one night, she ate like a normal child should. When the time came for everyone to eat sweets, she let herself eat a small treat, then forced her bursting stomach to accept bites of pies, candies, and cookies.

After that night, she learned better how to hide the voice, block the horrible suggestions it tried to give her. Each time she felt herself slip toward the habits she had so long been used to, she would stop. She would think about what would happen to her if she stopped pushing herself. Everyday, she pushed herself a little more. First, she made herself eat a little, then a full meal, then multiple meals each day. Then, once she was sure she wouldn't let the nagging back into her mind, she forced herself to keep down every bite she managed to eat.

The process was painful. It hurt her to be so alone. But, she dare not speak to anyone, for fear that she might be sent away. All she wanted was to return to normal, return to the girl she had been years before she listened.  
It took too long for her liking, but she taught herself to give up the death grip she had held. As she once had done, as a very small child, she ate with her family each evening; she sat with friends at noon-time; she woke a little earlier in order to start with something more than coffee in her stomach. Try as she might, though, the nagging thoughts would not leave her. After a time, she thought of her many imperfections. She would dwell on how much she hated one aspect of herself, regardless of how well she knew it was pointless. Her mind would remain on the one thing until it nearly drove her mad.

Years passed, yet the girl remained in a stasis of just surviving. She shut down her mind, needing to not hear the negativity of her imagination. She refused to let herself feel enough to stop blocking her mind. That was how she kept herself alive for years.  
It took only one instance for her to relapse. She fell back into her habit of listening because for one moment, she doubted herself too completely.

She could not make herself eat. Just one bite, and she felt the urge to vomit. A second bite, and she wanted to cry. She dared not try a third bite. At first, it was merely an irritation. For days, she fell into the same routine. Any time she saw food, her stomach would seize up, constricting suddenly. The smell of any food set her to thinking that it might be smart to run. Even when presented with a dream, simply having diner with a friend she fancied, she nearly did not go. She did not want to deal with food, as the mere thought was enough to bring tears of frustration to her eyes.

Even so, she did not even notice when in the back of her mind, a whispered voice returned to remind her, "Don't think about it."

The phrase repeated in her mind, growing louder and more prominent with each repetition, "Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it."

It had only been a few days since she again heard the torment, but it was enough. The single sentence that had for so long been bullying her was back. The pain in her stomach from not eating was foreign. The constant ringing of hate-filled thoughts led the girl to hide herself away. The burning in her throat, the slight tingling in her limbs, the dull ache from the beating of her heart, were all odd and no longer normal. The weakness all over her body, the flighty nature of her mind, the inability to complete any task without needing to sleep right away, all drove her insane.

Not wanting to deal with the pain of her mind again, she shut down. Unlike the time before, when shutting down began to save her, this time, she just went numb. Incapable of feeling anything, she let herself become lost in the habits.

**Author's Note:**

> This is strictly from my own experience, and is very much how I still feel about my eating disorder. I am receiving help, now, but this is a very personal account. I hope that this may be helpful for anyone trying to understand what it is like to have an eating disorder.


End file.
